A Legend Departs

Unable to quote Alpine Joe's post from a few pages back, the one where he says we should move Clacton further away from Europe! Personally, I would like to see the whole country moved away from Europe...preferably near the Azores!

I don't often disagree with Barton, but last time I voted it was for UKIP...and they won! Have only ever voted three times in my life, after all, what's the point, we know they're all a bunch of lying bastards which ever lot you vote for! A classic example is the area which I live (for the moment) in. Boston has been crying out for a by-pass for decades, but that would probably involve a new bridge and shit loads of money. So last general election, a dozen or so people got together and formed "The Boston By-Pass Syndicate" and they were duly voted into office on the strength of it. Lo-and-behold, a week after they were voted in, they said there was no money for a by-pass, so tough shit! Of course they have spent the intervening years in office on the strength of a lie!

So, that's one vote for UKIP and two votes for a man named Smith, both of the Smith votes were done within half an hour of each other, I just voted then went round and tagged onto the end of the queue again! Some of the guys there spent the whole day doing it, so goodness knows how many times they actually did vote! I just went down the pub and then got laid by a dusky maiden! 

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MAGNIFICENT MANSE MASSACRES MINNOWS

With the 'Young Pretender' still reeling from the scathing criticism coming his way from some Popside stalwarts who accuse him of being in the wrong place at the wrong time this weekend, we only need point to the example of Cap'n Manse to show where a legendary Captain should be found on a Saturday afternoon; out in front leading his troops into battle and taking a further step towards promotion and Cup glory.

These tricky Cup games can prove to be a banana skin, and it's understandable that Dorchester were hoping to claim a big scalp in the form of Rovers and there renowned Captain. Manse had other ideas and demanded a thoroughly professional performance from his team as he put in another sensational goalscoring performance for The Pirates as he inspired them to a masterful 7-1 trouncing of Dorchester Town. 

Thanks to Barton Downs who recently got in touch to say ' Don't clutter up the 'Legends' thread with too much football, I only read it for the politics'.

Well Barton will be pleased to know that it's now time for an update from the Captain's alter ego, Douglas Mansewell  (UKIP MP for Clacton).

Douglas writes:

' Dear TFF members and prospective UKIP voters,

Commiserations on exiting the F.A Cup so early this year. That's some badly needed revenue that could have been coming your way that you'll now be doing without. I hear that your skipper didn't even manage to wangle selecting his own draw ticket at Home Park in order to bring a few quid back for you. But just remember the billions a UKIP Government would distribute between the small British football clubs to get them back into financial good health, instead of sending it abroad so that the EU can hand it to the lazy French.

Football and UKIP are the perfect match, and we are determined to have an even greater presence within British stadiums. I am therefore extremely proud to announce another important step towards reaching that goal. I've been in touch with a close associate of mine who is currently employed in the Kidderminster area. He's asked not to be identified so let's just refer to him as 'UKIP Kev'. Kev has pulled the necessary strings for us so that the UKIP name is now proudly displayed at Aggborough.

Should any of you be planning a trip to the Kidderminster area anytime soon, please remember to congratulate the club on this, and if possible wear your yellow & purple rosettes along to the match.

Douglas Mansewell MP 

link - Harriers/UKIP Alliance

'STARS ON 45'

Lewis Hamilton might once again have been spraying the champagne around this weekend, but our dear old Plainmoor legends both registered wins entitling them to break open another can of their special Legends Max Pepsi.

Kev had been sitting quietly pre match in the Harriers dressing room when he was suddenly handed a copy of a script that had been carelessly left on a coach seat by a visitor from the South West. Although it didn't make pleasant reading, Kev was determined that there was still time to make some changes to it, even this close to filming the big event. In essence, the storyline seemed to centre around a slow, old, creaky, washed up 34 year old full back, who would be put up against a direct opponent with blistering pace, and whose super fast legs were a dozen years younger. Kev read on, only to learn that the full back endures such a torrid first 45 minutes that he is put out his misery by being substituted at half time, and with his credibility as a legend completely shot through....and to make matters worse, it plays out in front of an audience comprising many who remembered him in his pomp at Plainmoor.

But Kev was made of sterner stuff. He wasn't going to let this sorry tale, penned by some English Riviera fantasist, undermine him or destroy his hard won legendary status. Then he remembered other famous works of fiction that had tried to frighten people into believing they were 45 minutes from destruction:

Saddam Hussein's armoury of chemical weapons is on standby for use within 45 minutes, Tony Blair's dossier revealed today.

The Iraqi leader has 20 missiles which could reach British military bases in Cyprus, as well as Israel and Nato members Greece and Turkey.

He has also been seeking to buy uranium from Africa for use in nuclear weapons. Those are the key charges in a 14-point "dossier of death" finally published by the Government today.

In an introduction, Mr Blair says that the evidence leaves Britain and the international community no choice but to act.

link - Famous Labour Lies

Kev reached for a marker pen and angrily drew two thick lines through the TUFC branded script. With kick off fast approaching, Kev hastily set about re-writing the script and giving it a very different outcome. The new 'Authorised Harriers Version' instead saw the full back on the opponents team have such a torrid 45 minutes that it would be he who was saved from further punishment by being withdrawn at half time. In addition, the main plot line running through the story, about how the old slow defender failed to cope, was turned on it's head, so that it was now a case of how the opposition would fail to cope with the Harriers full back, and just for good measure Kev even cheekily put in a line about the Harriers defender scoring his team's second goal that eventually proved to be enough to win the game for the home side.

A post match phone call to Mrs. Nico, telling her to make sure his 'Plainmoor Legend' T shirt was clean and ironed. Kev might just fancy wearing it during the coming week.

A potentially tricky match at bottom club Telford for Manse's Rovers. Manse ensured his team did the business and came away with all 3 points. Rovers are now only one point behind second placed Gateshead. 

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As Hector rightly reminds us, Saturday saw The Memorial Ground in Bristol hosting the eagerly anticipated 'Clash Of The Legends'. A large crowd of almost 6,000 turned up to witness this historic sporting event. One to tell the grandchildren no doubt, and future generations of Bristolians will listen with rapt attention in years to come, at tales lovingly re-told of that November afternoon long ago when these two great sporting icons faced each other in combat for their respective clubs.

Nico's Harriers swept into town (I've a feeling the above pic actually shows them sweeping out of town, and going in the wrong direction if Kidderminster is your destination) on the back of a rather poor run of form; only one win in their previous 5 games, and no prizes for recalling who that was against.

A rather subdued build up to the game, with the harsh realities of 2014 Conference level football having been spelled out at both clubs in the preceding week. 

A fans forum at Aggborough heard Harriers manager Gary Whild tell supporters that "“I don’t know all the details of the finances but I think that Harriers going part-time is a real possibility,” , with The Worcester News going on to inform readers that Whild had 'also seen the playing budget he was given in the summer cut dramatically'.

To help pay the monthly wage bill a number of players have been sent out on loan 'with highly paid hitman Michael Gash now confirmed to have joined Nuneaton on loan' reported the paper. Gulls fans will shudder at the thought that the day should ever come that our own highly paid hitman, Elliot Benyon, could have to be sent out on loan in similar fashion.

Going into more detail on his club's problems, Whild revealed the lengths necessary in order to bring in the legendary full back Nicholson, actions which of course have proved to be well worthwhile: "We also wanted to bring in Kevin Nicholson but first had to de-register Reece Hales and Jake Green with the Conference before we were allowed to get him in. It was a long drawn out process but that is the sort of thing we’ve had to deal with.”

link - A part time future for Kiddy ?

Things were scarcely any happier at Rovers, with Darrell Clarke speaking out to remind everyone that even when your home gates are pushing 6,000 the financial pressures are greater than ever: "But it's difficult out there. The board are doing all they can and I'm working off a budget which is 50% less than what it was last season. People need to wake up and smell the coffee".

Clarke was speaking in the aftermath of last Tuesday's goalless draw at Alfreton, when post match, a Rovers fan boarded the team coach to express his displeasure at the performance of Cap'n Manse and the team:

"When a fan wants to get on a bus at the end of an away draw and wants to have a go at my players, and my assistant is having to calm the fan down, it's a bit of a disgrace.

"In the first week of the season, there were 100 posters around the training pitch asking for the manager to be sacked. I had to clear the posters off the training pitch and try not to let if affect me.

"God help us when we go on a bad run and lose a couple of games."

link - Disgruntled Rovers Fan On The Bus

It's been suggested that the fan considered that Cap'n Manse may not be giving his all to the Rovers cause, by also devoting time to his other career as UKIP MP for Clacton, Douglas Mansewell. Admitting that an emotional recent trip to Seale Hayne, venue of one of his finest moments when he was a central heroic figure in the popular battle against and eventual overthrow of 'Knillism' had not helped him focus on Saturday's game, Manse inflamed the situation further by refusing to say whether three points against Kidderminster or a UKIP victory in Rochester this coming Thursday would give him most pleasure.

And so to Saturday's match itself. A 1-1 draw which will surely have pleased Kiddy more that Rovers, although bearing in mind the home side didn't get their equalising goal until the 83rd minute, maybe Kev will feel a tinge of disappointment that his defence couldn't hold out a little longer in order to secure the win. Either way it was a damned fine gesture to nip down to Torquay to drop him off before embarking on the long drive back to Worcestershire.