Carol Is With The Angels And All Her Pain Is Gone

Once again many thanks for cards sent to my home and all the wonderful messages I have received from my friends here on the TFF.As many of you have asked how things went on Wednesday, I will put the details in this post and an update of where I am myself right now.

Carols send off was everything myself and her sons wanted for her and what happened just after the service will move me for the rest of my life. Sadly a pre-planed and totally disrespectful event to Carol, her sons and myself happened after that. The end result is that now those involved have been told they will never step inside Carol’s house ever again, nor be part of any of her again.

I will not dwell on any of the details right now, but from the day Carols mother learned of what was going to be happening as far as the service etc was concerned, she caused problems and further heartache to those closest to Carol every single day up to the service.

On the forth of April I found myself having to tell my dear Carol that she would not be coming home and it was later that evening I talked to her about my wish to have her sons fully involved with what would happen afterwards and she trusted us all to make it something so perfectly fitting for such a kind wonderful and so caring person.

Carol was not a church sort of person and was not some old lady who had reached the end of her life due to old age. She was a young, beautiful lady both inside and out and some black, morbid depressing sort of service was certainly not anything fitting or right for Carol.

Pink was Carol’s favourite colour and pink is the colour used for breast cancer and the boys wanted what was going to be the celebration of Carol to have a pink theme. We were going to wear white shirts and pink ties, but as soon as a certain person found out our plans, she did all she could to sabotage those plans and get everyone turning up in black.

Thankfully most of the 150+ people there to celebrate Carol’s life wore something pink and only her mother and her clan wore black. I knew that was going to happen and made sure they were seated all together on one side away from us.

I employed the services of one Wendy Jones who is a celebrant and have to say she did the most wonderful job and I can’t thank her enough. The boys choose “once twice three times a lady” to be played after Wendy’s five page tribute to Carol that was so perfectly written about Carol the lady herself.

Brave courageous Steve, Carols youngest son, gave a talk about his mum that was so moving and yet had a certain amount of humour in it that once again was so perfect and fitting for Carol. At the end our song was played, it could only be the one song that we danced too the very fist time 19 years ago “Simply The Best”.

The service took place in the coop chapel that was right next to Jack Sears on the Dartmouth road near the entrance to the bus station. Jack Sears is where Carol had worked and gave so much of her own love and care to people who probably were in far better health than she was.

After the service all the traffic was stopped on the Dartmouth Road and the funeral director walked in front of the hearse and stopped right outside Jack Sears. Both sides of the street were packed with staff and residents of Jack Sears and each and every one of them were holding a heart shaped balloons full of helium.

The hearse remained stationary for a good two minutes and then all the balloons were let go up into the air as the hearse started to move off. It was the most moving thing I have ever seem happen and then the air was full of the sound of applause for the wonderful lady known as Carol.

Sadly it was what happened after this that has left such a bad taste in the boys and my mouth and it is something I will never find forgiveness for those involved. I have talked with Carol’s boys and told them we must try and just remember the day up to and including the wonderful Jack Sears moment, but its going to easier said than done I’m afraid.

On the day before the celebration of Carol’s life, I was down at the coop chapel making a last few checks on all the arrangements. My main concern was that as the room behind the chapel would also be packed to the rafters and the garden behind that again, that those standing there would struggle to hear the service. So I asked if I could set up my PA system in that room to ensure everyone could hear everything.

I took all the gear down at 9pm on Wednesday the day of the service. What a strange feeling it was setting up the Davybeat equipment minus the keyboards for a gig for Carol, she had helped me herself set up that equipment for every single show Davybeat ever did. It was after I finished setting it all up that something happened that made me do something I had not planned or thought I wanted to do.

On the 8th of April at 7.10 pm the person who I loved so very deeply died in my arms. I was left alone with her afterwards on my own and I said the things that were in my heart to her. Before I left the hospital that night, I was asked if I wanted to go in and see her again.

I have never in my life seen a dead person before and I knew My dear Carol had passed away and felt I could not deal with seeing her lying there so motionless and no longer in this world again.

I was just about to say my goodbye to the funeral director after the PA system was set up when I knew and felt she was calling me to go and see her. I felt her calling so strongly that I asked if it was possible to go and see her, but said I need a few minutes to be sure I could do it and also asked if someone could come in with me.

I then said lets do this and the door was opened and in I went, my first thought was how small the coffin looked and then how small my Carol looked as well. Suddenly my fear just vanished and I asked the man to leave me alone with Carol.

All week I had been so busy dealing with all the things I had to do and being kept strong by those causing all the problems and so maybe it was to be expected what happened next. I touched her hand and was so shocked just how cold she felt, but I was soon stroking her hair and talking to her and gave her a number of kisses.

Now I did not want to leave but knew I had to and so turned and walked back out of the door crying tears that took two hours to stop and dry up. But I’ll tell you what; I’m so glad I went and saw Carol just a few hours before the service.

In my mind before I did, was the image of the love of my life dying in my arms and if I had not gone in and saw her, that would have been the very last memory of her. That has now been replaced with one of her lying there so peaceful and looking more like my beautiful Carol.

I’m not sitting here feeling any self pity, nor thinking my life is over now that I no longer have my Carol by my side. Nineteen years we spent together and it was nine and a half years ago I was so ashamed of myself for having some very selfish thoughts.

When I learned she had breast cancer I thought for just a short while it was so wrong I should lose the only person who ever made me happy in my life and loved me for just who I was. I soon told myself off and said this was about Carol and not me and that I had to hold her hand and help her fight this cancer.

Maybe even back then I knew the day would come when it would win and we would lose, but boy did we fight so hard together over those nine and a half years. I looked at one of our last real days out together we had on the 13th October 2010 that is up on the forum, the last line of that post said “what another great time I have had in the company of the one and only Carol who continues to stick her fingers up at that nasty old cancer and won’t let it stop her doing all the things she wants to do in the company of the man who still thanks god for bringing her into his life.

Little did we both know what would happen so soon after I wrote that, things just went at a lightning pace as the cancer really stated to take over and win. Yet even on days when her body was just a skeleton covered in skin and she was in so much pain it made me cry, she still managed to smile and tell me just how much she loved me.

My Carol never left me, she never stopped loving me and I never stopped loving her, it was just the case we were unable to win that big fight we had with that cancer for nine and a half years in the end. I know she is still with me, still talks to me and is guiding me along the path I now have to go.

Those facts deeply console me right now along with the promise I made to her that I would never let go of her hand and be with her right to the end. I feel warmed in our home; everything is just the way she left it on the day she went into hospital. Her presence is so strong here and while I can’t see her, I know she is still with me.

I also know its going to be very hard to try and adjust to the fact my life on this earth with Carol can’t continue the way we both wanted it too. Out of the 56 years I have lived so far, I can put my hand on my heart and say only the nineteen I spent with Carol were happy ones. Yes I so wish I could have had far more years with Carol in my life, but I’m so thankful for those nineteen years as some people don’t even get that.

I know I’m going to need support from so many for a good time to come, I also know I have to find a way to be happy again as that is what Carol wants to happen for me. For my Carol I’m going to try as hard as I can to make that happen and hope and pray one day it does.