R.I.P Doris.

Scroll past if you’re a bedwetter. Don’t read if you are at all histrionic, you will find offence because you’ll get off on it. Don’t read if you’re anywhere near pensionable age. Avoid this post if you think it might just be about you. (It isn’t but you might like to claim it anyway). In fact don’t read this full stop, it’s merely the ramblings of a chap who hasn’t had a beer for ages (apparently). This is my take on the Lady Di Syndrome. In fact I was quite upset when she passed, I’m sure it was my turn to sh@g her next!


R.I.P Doris.

As many of you are customers of the local branch of Tesco. I’m sure you will want to join me in offering your insincere and self-serving condolences to the family of Doris who sadly popped her clogs last whenever.

None of you knew her, in fact you will never have met her as she was an employee of Tesco’s Exeter store. As she nearly came to Torquay once and worked with the store manager in Exeter and as you buy your groceries at Tesco’s it’s only fitting that you dab your eyes and shed a few crocodile tears in her memory. To ensure that you can maximise your fake grief further and it helps you to vicariously milk the moment, she leaves a dog and cat behind. Some of you will have a cat so you can weep that little bit harder in sympathy.

This news is of course in the current mode of reporting a “tragedy”, no “tragic”, nay “catastrophic” and any other histrionic misuse of a description. Real tragedies will of course be conveniently ignored because there’s no mileage in them and who gives a stuff about foreigners anyway eh? Doris keeling over is sad, but not a tragedy and demonize anyone who points this out!

Serial grief is just self-serving and cheapens the real feelings of loss expressed when someone close passes.

If anyone is unable to see the relevance and questions the motives of this tribute to Doris, can the forum old women (not you Sue) and serial grievers rally together into a lynch mob and abuse the poster, it will distract the simple minded and justify their bedwetting. Or better still gag him so you can pretend you’re superior and talk of freedom of speech.

I will of course start another sanctimonious thread the next time someone of no relevance carks it. Maybe a celeb can oblige, cos we all love them. I still well up when I think of dear Jade Goody.

R.I.P Doris, no-one really gives a toss but it makes us look really caring if we pretend to.

What I find disgusting (to use the vernacular) is the indecent haste to be seen as a griever. Reminds me of politicians who on the death of their political enemy suddenly spout what a great man he was and how he’ll be “sorely missed”. They then line up for the photo opp. Just like here as the bedwetters fight to be the best griever and claim the prize for sainthood. I imagine the pm’s praising eachother for their style and content, “nice bit of grieving that merse”, “thanks groupie, I’ve been working on my technique”. Maybe it’s a factor of age, the nearer you get to pegging it the more you have to “hedge” against it and vie for browny points for when it’s your turn in the hope that you too will be “sorely missed”.

Why don’t you start a dead club? Each bedwetter makes his guess as to who’s next for the grim reaper. If he’s right he gets to start the obit. I suggest you only go for celebs as picking people from here would just be wishful thinking and a bit sick. You could pick yourself and write your own obit…….. but who would post it?

Death? Shit happens! I’ve seen it so many times. So keep your pseudo intellectual psychology. Freud??? That one made me chuckle. Munchausen?? I suggest you check the definition.

If you got this far, you were warned so don’t throw a hissy fit and start all that “it’s a disgrace” cobblers. I take full responsibility for these opinions. Feel free to debate them with me. But if we could avoid the tabloid sensationalist stuff it would be just peachy. Tho’ I’m sure some of the histrionic types won’t want to miss the opportunity to do a bit of wailing and put a jihad on my a,ss!


I’m off to lie down in Room 101 before I’m sent there by the forum stazi.

No animals were injured during the writing of this homage to Doris.